Humor article on the LotR phenomenon
Feb. 1st, 2004 11:35 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
and_chocolateYou can find the article here, but I'm also going to cut and paste it...
Can Big Eye in the sky see love on the horizon?
"Rings" may romance filmgoers, but one writer can't fall for the trilogy
02/01/04
WHITNEY OTTO
Disclaimer: The "Rings" trilogy is a marvel of modern moviemaking. Yes, it's extraordinary. Yes, Elijah Wood seems an eerily natural hobbit and his style of emotional reactive acting, complete with teary eyes, is a brilliant homage to Omar Sharif as Dr. Zhivago. All amazing. All a feat. Yes. Yes. Yes.
However, the "Rings" trilogy didn't cast its fantasy spell on me, and let me be the first to say I'm sorry it didn't. There's nothing I like better than being swept up in the crowd where I, too, can wax enthusiastic with all and sundry.
"What is it," I've asked my friends who have seen all three "Ring" movies numerous times, "that makes you willing to spend the better part of two years enraptured by these films? Is it the acting, the art direction, the story, the costumes, the incredible effects, the Big Eye airport control tower? Is it wondering if Ian McKellen irons his fabulous white hair? Is it waiting for Christopher Lee to reappear (which, and I don't think I'm giving anything away, is like waiting for Godot)? Is it the beautiful fairy necklaces that can be found at any New Age bookstore?"
Is it the battle of one-upmanship in "Return of the King" in which the men said, We have a white fortress city, and the Orcs said, We number in the kazillions, and the men said, We have horses, and the Orcs said, We have elephants with trussed tusks, and the men said, We have an army of the undead. And the Orcs said, Uh-oh.
What is it?
And all my friends answered: Viggo Mortensen. Though some of them answered Orlando Bloom. The answer depended on whether one was born before or after 1965.
It was then I understood that the "Rings" trilogy was a Date Movie. Not in that one brought a date; it WAS the date. And this romantic interest doesn't necessarily belong to a single gender, if you know what I mean. All of which is fine by me since love is what makes this -- and Middle -- Earth spin. Unfortunately, I had a crush on no one, save Miranda Otto, but that's really more a matter of liking her name. So during the four days it took to watch "The Return of the King" I decided to consider a possible love interest for me -- you know, someone to pass the time dreaming about during the pony-express sequence of mountaintop fires, or any scene with Gollum. Who would I want to ride off with on the back of a gigantic eagle?
ELIJAH WOOD: The misty-eyed thing just makes him seem a tad oversensitive. Plus, if the movies are any indication, I would be rescuing him A LOT.
SAM: He's got that unattractive subservient thing, though this opens up the possibility of him giving a fair number of foot massages.
IAN McKELLEN: Although very taken with Ian in general, I hear he plays for the other team.
CATE BLANCHETT: I am a big fan of Cate B. Ever since "Oscar and Lucinda." However, she is on the screen for a total of eight minutes, which doesn't give me quite enough to work with.
LIV TYLER: I don't know -- she just seems so needy. Maybe it's that misty-eyed thing again, but I just feel like it would be an endless cycle of hurt feelings (hers) and apologies (mine). Though I would like to speak Elvish. Especially to telemarketers.
GIMLI: Right.
ORLANDO: It is said that he's an elf, but my friend contends that the elves are actually Swedes in Spock ears and I'm inclined to agree. I did covet that Asian-influenced frock coat he wore at the end of the third movie but he would always look better in it than I and therein lies the problem.
VIGGO: The catnip of my generation, in part due to his star turn as "the blouse man" in "A Walk on the Moon." He looked better as Strider than he did as the king, where, if I'm not mistaken, he was making love eyes at Orlando during the coronation, until Liv showed up from behind that silk Pottery Barn banner. He seemed surprised and not altogether happy about her being there, since the last time he saw her she was set to head off on the elf flotilla -- but then he immediately went for her, lest she start misting up again. Then there is the matter of the greasy hair and leather and the pipe smoking...let's just say I have a failure of hygiene imagination.
But then that brings us again to Miranda Otto. Who was beautiful and brave and "no man" as she said when she ran her sword into the evil, empty helmet of the head dragon-wrangler. And, as I said, I still like the name.
I particularly like what she has to say about Aragorn and Legolas during the coronation scene. *g* Unfortunately, I deleted my Aragorn/Legolas icon so I could put up another Elijah one. Doh! *needs more icon space*
Can Big Eye in the sky see love on the horizon?
"Rings" may romance filmgoers, but one writer can't fall for the trilogy
02/01/04
WHITNEY OTTO
Disclaimer: The "Rings" trilogy is a marvel of modern moviemaking. Yes, it's extraordinary. Yes, Elijah Wood seems an eerily natural hobbit and his style of emotional reactive acting, complete with teary eyes, is a brilliant homage to Omar Sharif as Dr. Zhivago. All amazing. All a feat. Yes. Yes. Yes.
However, the "Rings" trilogy didn't cast its fantasy spell on me, and let me be the first to say I'm sorry it didn't. There's nothing I like better than being swept up in the crowd where I, too, can wax enthusiastic with all and sundry.
"What is it," I've asked my friends who have seen all three "Ring" movies numerous times, "that makes you willing to spend the better part of two years enraptured by these films? Is it the acting, the art direction, the story, the costumes, the incredible effects, the Big Eye airport control tower? Is it wondering if Ian McKellen irons his fabulous white hair? Is it waiting for Christopher Lee to reappear (which, and I don't think I'm giving anything away, is like waiting for Godot)? Is it the beautiful fairy necklaces that can be found at any New Age bookstore?"
Is it the battle of one-upmanship in "Return of the King" in which the men said, We have a white fortress city, and the Orcs said, We number in the kazillions, and the men said, We have horses, and the Orcs said, We have elephants with trussed tusks, and the men said, We have an army of the undead. And the Orcs said, Uh-oh.
What is it?
And all my friends answered: Viggo Mortensen. Though some of them answered Orlando Bloom. The answer depended on whether one was born before or after 1965.
It was then I understood that the "Rings" trilogy was a Date Movie. Not in that one brought a date; it WAS the date. And this romantic interest doesn't necessarily belong to a single gender, if you know what I mean. All of which is fine by me since love is what makes this -- and Middle -- Earth spin. Unfortunately, I had a crush on no one, save Miranda Otto, but that's really more a matter of liking her name. So during the four days it took to watch "The Return of the King" I decided to consider a possible love interest for me -- you know, someone to pass the time dreaming about during the pony-express sequence of mountaintop fires, or any scene with Gollum. Who would I want to ride off with on the back of a gigantic eagle?
ELIJAH WOOD: The misty-eyed thing just makes him seem a tad oversensitive. Plus, if the movies are any indication, I would be rescuing him A LOT.
SAM: He's got that unattractive subservient thing, though this opens up the possibility of him giving a fair number of foot massages.
IAN McKELLEN: Although very taken with Ian in general, I hear he plays for the other team.
CATE BLANCHETT: I am a big fan of Cate B. Ever since "Oscar and Lucinda." However, she is on the screen for a total of eight minutes, which doesn't give me quite enough to work with.
LIV TYLER: I don't know -- she just seems so needy. Maybe it's that misty-eyed thing again, but I just feel like it would be an endless cycle of hurt feelings (hers) and apologies (mine). Though I would like to speak Elvish. Especially to telemarketers.
GIMLI: Right.
ORLANDO: It is said that he's an elf, but my friend contends that the elves are actually Swedes in Spock ears and I'm inclined to agree. I did covet that Asian-influenced frock coat he wore at the end of the third movie but he would always look better in it than I and therein lies the problem.
VIGGO: The catnip of my generation, in part due to his star turn as "the blouse man" in "A Walk on the Moon." He looked better as Strider than he did as the king, where, if I'm not mistaken, he was making love eyes at Orlando during the coronation, until Liv showed up from behind that silk Pottery Barn banner. He seemed surprised and not altogether happy about her being there, since the last time he saw her she was set to head off on the elf flotilla -- but then he immediately went for her, lest she start misting up again. Then there is the matter of the greasy hair and leather and the pipe smoking...let's just say I have a failure of hygiene imagination.
But then that brings us again to Miranda Otto. Who was beautiful and brave and "no man" as she said when she ran her sword into the evil, empty helmet of the head dragon-wrangler. And, as I said, I still like the name.
I particularly like what she has to say about Aragorn and Legolas during the coronation scene. *g* Unfortunately, I deleted my Aragorn/Legolas icon so I could put up another Elijah one. Doh! *needs more icon space*