I’m gonna just jump in head on. Your writing is technically proficient and professionally crafted - no question. However, the two things I notice when I read your stories are 1) sometimes I have to dodge your adjectives to get to the action and 2) I have a desperately unfulfilled sense that you know EXACTLY what your characters are feeling in any given moment, and that you are deeply involved when you are writing them, but you don’t show those emotions to the reader.
So here’s a little experiment. One of my favorites by you is “Pull”. So I’ve taken the liberty of doing a locked-to-you-only edit here (http://www.livejournal.com/users/deleerium/16072.html). (‘cause it’s too long for a comment)
1) I simply struck out the words that I had to ‘get around’ in order to follow the story. [My definition of a ‘get around’ word is one that related to the narrator rather than a character (for example: “but it had seemed like a good one at the time” in the first paragraph– it strikes me as an aside by the narrator and not essential to the storytelling) or an awkward adjective.]
2) The only emotional words you used: ‘slyly’ (Billy as he winks on his way out the door) ‘confidence’ (Dom as he approaches the women at the table) ‘wondering’ (the boys as they watch Dom to see if he’ll succeed)
And it left me CRAVING I wanted to know more about Dom’s interactions with the two blondes. Did he look smug? Was he pleading? Teasing? Funny? Did the women have a reaction that was visible other than leaving with him?
Billy’s interaction with the redhead: masterfully flirting? Seductive? What were the expressions like on her face?
Orlando/Elijah – was there anything sensual about them on the dance floor? Determined? Surprised? Inevitable?
I’m convinced that you already know what all of them are thinking/experiencing/going through at every moment (I think) and I’m just DYING to see it on the page.
I think it’s important to say that I’m not suggesting you add entire descriptive paragraphs. The story arc itself is amazing -- the concept unique and lovely and just the right length. But I (as a reader) want at least one clue -- one little emotional clue word – for every interaction between characters. You don’t have to say “Billy felt smug.” But if you can combine your actions with the emotions they are related to? That would be the loveliest thing ever.
*grin* it’s also important to tell you that I do this in my own writing. Before it even goes to the beta, I cut through at least ½ the adjectives (which is a good thing -- I think -- cause I’m already the crazy adjective psycho queen) trying to find the action. And I have the opposite problem with the emotion – that I try to express too much sometimes in one scene and find myself having to pull back and say “ok, would Orlando really really feel x, y AND z? or would Elijah look x-emotionally at him that way? Or am I just getting wrapped up in the description?”.
So, there's my literary critique for the day ;)
luv, D
p.s. this is a fabulous idea, btw -- ok if i steal the concept?
no subject
So here’s a little experiment. One of my favorites by you is “Pull”. So I’ve taken the liberty of doing a locked-to-you-only edit here (http://www.livejournal.com/users/deleerium/16072.html). (‘cause it’s too long for a comment)
1) I simply struck out the words that I had to ‘get around’ in order to follow the story. [My definition of a ‘get around’ word is one that related to the narrator rather than a character (for example: “but it had seemed like a good one at the time” in the first paragraph– it strikes me as an aside by the narrator and not essential to the storytelling) or an awkward adjective.]
2) The only emotional words you used:
‘slyly’ (Billy as he winks on his way out the door)
‘confidence’ (Dom as he approaches the women at the table)
‘wondering’ (the boys as they watch Dom to see if he’ll succeed)
And it left me CRAVING
I wanted to know more about Dom’s interactions with the two blondes. Did he look smug? Was he pleading? Teasing? Funny? Did the women have a reaction that was visible other than leaving with him?
Billy’s interaction with the redhead: masterfully flirting? Seductive? What were the expressions like on her face?
Orlando/Elijah – was there anything sensual about them on the dance floor? Determined? Surprised? Inevitable?
I’m convinced that you already know what all of them are thinking/experiencing/going through at every moment (I think) and I’m just DYING to see it on the page.
I think it’s important to say that I’m not suggesting you add entire descriptive paragraphs. The story arc itself is amazing -- the concept unique and lovely and just the right length. But I (as a reader) want at least one clue -- one little emotional clue word – for every interaction between characters. You don’t have to say “Billy felt smug.” But if you can combine your actions with the emotions they are related to? That would be the loveliest thing ever.
*grin* it’s also important to tell you that I do this in my own writing. Before it even goes to the beta, I cut through at least ½ the adjectives (which is a good thing -- I think -- cause I’m already the crazy adjective psycho queen) trying to find the action. And I have the opposite problem with the emotion – that I try to express too much sometimes in one scene and find myself having to pull back and say “ok, would Orlando really really feel x, y AND z? or would Elijah look x-emotionally at him that way? Or am I just getting wrapped up in the description?”.
So, there's my literary critique for the day ;)
luv, D
p.s. this is a fabulous idea, btw -- ok if i steal the concept?